Parenting
Do you have a difficult child?
From a very young age our second born has always been “extra”. If we had a dollar for every time we were told not to worry he is all boy, well, I wouldn’t be trying to do this blog thing. From even before toddlerhood, he was into everything. He cried and fussed all the time. As we entered into the pre-school years he couldn’t control himself in any way. Couldn’t sit still. Wouldn’t answer questions when asked. He could hardly even look at you when being spoken too; and he didn’t make it through a church service for way too many years.
And tantrums. So. Many. Years. Trying. To. Avoid. A. Tantrum. You never knew when one was coming or what would set him off into one. It would take hours sometimes for him to calm down. If you sent him into his room he would throw himself into his bed frame, or repeatedly hit the wall over and over. If I put him in the corner, he would bash his head into the wall repeatedly. A few times he threw himself into the floor and thrashed about injuring himself. (Typing this out brings back the anxiety I felt through those years never knowing when the next one was going to strike.)
So many times I heard over and over, it gets better. This is just a phase. Spoiler: It was NOT just a phase.
Marc and I do not consider ourselves to be permissive parents. We don’t do child led feelings and activities. Why could I not get this child to obey without multiple tantrums every. single. day? I read book after book and article after article trying to learn the parenting formula that would make him listen and avoid the tantrums. Every two weeks or so, I would have another “tool” in my parenting “toolbox”. I just knew this one was going to be the answer. Spoiler: It never was. Nothing ever worked. He always continued to be the difficult child.
As the years went by, some things got easier. However, other things became more difficult. He did learn and adapt to our family rhythms and routines, but if we strayed from the normal, he would still “meltdown” before bedtime. Overall, our days were better with age, but not great nor what I would consider to be “normal”.
I learned much later that I didn’t have a parenting or discipline problem. We had a different problem that no amount of correction was going to fix.
School
As you know, if you have spent much time around the blog at all, we homeschool. Our state’s age requirement for school is six. I knew that mentally he wasn’t ready for formal school lessons before that, and I honestly wasn’t sure he was ready at six. But, what were my choices? He had to be educated, and I didn’t want any negative consequences. I found the gentlest curriculum I could and we eased into it.
Well, you can ease into shark infested waters as much as physically possible, but you’re still swimming with sharks.
Trying to direct, lead, nurture, and facilitate learning with a child on the brink of a come apart at any given moment is not for the faint of heart. What should have taken three hours, or one hour in the very beginning, for the whole day of learning was taking up to six or eight hours, some days even ten or twelve. Which is way too long for a six year old, or seven, or even eight!! However, what were my options? We couldn’t just not do school. That wasn’t going to work. I couldn’t send him to public school (as much as I wanted too and tried very hard to convince Marc this was the answer!) because he would get left behind. He would be the problem student. He would just be passed along without knowing what he needed to be a capable adult.
For two years, this child and I cried lots of tears, we both had moments of rage and frustration, and he still couldn’t/wouldn’t read. I took many walks down the driveway to cry out to God my frustrations and asking for answers. Bribes, begging, pleading, and crying (so many tears) became a normal part of the homeschool day.
Where was my joy (and even love) for my difficult child?
Homeschooling your children should be full of joy! Awe! Amazement! Fulfillment! Enjoyment! Yes, overall, you should love, embrace, and enjoy motherhood!! This isn’t saying it is never hard, and there are days of trial of course, but overall, it is a great blessing that is meant to be enjoyed.
As the months went by, in this child’s education, my mental stability went downhill. I was short with everyone around me. I would stay in bed way too late in the mornings avoiding my kids. Especially that difficult child that made every day so dang difficult. Because of this, my other relationships began to suffer.
Without going too deep into our personal lives, I was struggling in way more areas than just trying to be a good mom to this one particularly difficult child we had. His older sister, and even myself, missed out on a lot of social and extra activities because I couldn’t trust him to behave out in public long enough to do anything.
Now, some of you reading this may be thinking to yourself, who cares what other people think? I would do what I want too, and no one is going to stop me.
Ok, yes, that is a fair thought, but I was so deep into this situation I couldn’t even cope with his awful behavior any longer. He couldn’t be trusted to be out of my sight. Others didn’t know the warning signs before he would go after another child, or take off running somewhere he wasn’t supposed to be. He didn’t obey well enough that you could just call him and he would come back. They didn’t know what to do with him if he spiraled into a melt down.
I would take this child with us shopping for clothes, and he would get in the middle of the clothes racks in all the clothes and yell for his Papa. Why he picked Papa, don’t ask me! But, it was awful. I couldn’t get him to come back out of the clothes and hold my hand, nor keep him from going back into the racks of clothes.
When we would go grocery shopping he would hang on the cart so hard I couldn’t push it easily. Or, he would take his hands and run them along the items on the shelves knocking things over into the floor. Which, he wouldn’t help pick up either. You can’t exactly put a six or even year old into a grocery cart and still have room for the groceries. Also, on a few occasions, he had been known to throw my items out of the cart.
He was a little terror. It was awful! Absolutely awful!
Now, with all this mentioned, does this sound like it would be a joy to be around all day? Answer: it was not. It was very stressful. And, it was taking a toll on my mental health.
Don’t they make medication for the Difficult Child?
I have gone back and forth and back again with this child’s doctor about medication. There are options out there if you feel medication is right for your family. If that is your decision, great! Use it! However, his doctor and I would go over the possible side effects of the medication, and I would always leave without a prescription. Maybe it’s not as bad as I make it out to be. Surely, I can tough it out a little longer until he grows out of this. He can’t be like forever, can he? Spoiler: yes, he could be like this for a long, long time; possibly into adulthood.
I am not anti-medications. Please don’t misunderstand what I am saying. I am saying, though, that I didn’t want to put a six year old on medication he might learn to need for the rest of his life, or that could alter his brain functioning, or cause kidney problems or (insert side effect here). We take vitamins. That is it. I am a firm believer in treating the problem, not the symptoms! I just wasn’t sure what the problem was to address.
So Now What for the Difficult Child?
Fast forward to November of 2021. I have had a baby! Yay surprise blessing! However, I am not well-rested and emotionally unstable to put it best.
After a particularly extra rough day I called Marc in tears and told him that if we didn’t put the difficult child on medication, fine, but I was going on medication because one of us needed to be medicated to continue living together.
I’ll never forget his response, he was so calm and gentle in his response. He brought up how I want to be natural in life and do things as close to how God designed them as possible, but I am running to medication for this instance. Was I sure there wasn’t a diet we could try?
I had looked and looked and looked at diets, and supplements, and even exercises to help his behavior. I won’t lie. His response made me mad. I think I might have even hung up on him (sorry, Honey). Well! I would show him! There was nothing out there we hadn’t tried!
God is always there when we need him! I typed in the same search on my phone that I had done so many times throughout the years. BUT this time! I got a new result I hadn’t seen before!
I will make another post explaining what we have done, but this was and is the ANSWER to our prayers. THREE DAYS and we had a different child! Three. Days.
We don’t follow the Feingold Diet to its exact specifications, but I base most of what we use and eat around it. This is the stepping stone that saved us.
Three weeks later, the difficult child was no longer difficult! He obeyed! Often the first time with a great attitude! AND, he could READ!! In three weeks, he went from not even being able to remember vowels from consonants and their sounds (after over two years of doing school) and struggling on a first grade reading level to second grade! In three weeks! He now reads signs while out and about (we can go so many places now), plays word games on his kindle, and reads books to his baby brother.
We have been doing this as a family for two and a half months now, and it has completely transformed our lives.
If you read all the way to the end, way to go. I appreciate your dedication. If you resonated with this post and feel like I am talking about your family, I first want to say I am so sorry! I know what you’re going through, and it is not easy! I hope you read this looking for help and answers. The difficult child really doesn’t want to be the difficult child down in his/her heart. There is so much more to come on this topic as well as recipes to feed your family implementing the guidelines!
Blessings,
Ashley